Extraterrestrial Forensic Portrait Catalogue

Good Morning!

It feels like it’s been awhile since I’ve made a post. Life has just been really hectic lately and work is so slow that the financial strain is reflecting more and more on my mood. Everything is getting so expensive and my income is less and less despite efforts to bring in clients and ensure reasonable pricing for my services. Everyone I know is experiencing this right now so it’s no wonder that people aren’t able to invest a lot in getting tattoos or buying artwork.

I’m in a bumpy point of my bipolar with spontaneous fits of mania followed quickly by crushing depression. It’s coming through in almost flashes with moods shifting throughout the day with unsettling uncertainty. I’ve cried a bunch of times this week and had a few heart racing, can’t breath right, panic attacks. This time of year can just be really hard and I know I’m not alone in that although I don’t feel like I can rely on anyone in my life for much support because they are all going through so much too.

My family, as many do, are notorious for downplaying my mental health struggles until they come to a severe point such as hospitalization to adjust medication. As someone who had that experience well over a dozen times from early childhood into young adulthood it’s really upsetting when family doesn’t even visit or call and feels to some extent like they are almost “allowing” me to reach it by not offering the support of a sympathetic ear when I’m struggling. It’s similar to their reactions in regards to my eating disorder. It seems like there’s a level of acceptance on their part or maybe they’re uncomfortable with trying to help me work on it. My dad has bipolar as well and my stepmom seems to struggle with depression at times so maybe a lot of it is their own mental overload.

It’s interesting how freeing it has been blogging because it gives me a space to talk about these things without feeling like a burden on those I care about, Sometimes opening up to people in my life and receiving a less than ideal response is really discouraging because I’m pretty set on doing everything myself and keeping going even when I’m at very low points. It’s very hard for me to reach out for help when I do legitimately need it. I try my best to not rely on anyone other than myself and whenever I have no choice but to ask for help with something I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and like I owe them significantly more back in exchange for said help.

My therapist and I both think this is a lot related to past trauma and just the general struggle of trying to be perceived in society as a “normal person,” all the while struggling with fairly severe mental health issues. Aside from giving me an outlet to release all these thoughts, I’m hoping that making the occasional post here about this will maybe even impact just one person so they know that others are around and going through the same stuff. I’m infinitely impressed by all of those that I’ve met with similar experiences that manage to get by in this overly complicated and unsympathetic world.

I apologize if this comes off as whiny but definitely intended it to be a check in and introspection on where I’m personally at right now. I’ll be doing my best to stay busy and create projects to get through this rough patch so maybe the next post will be a bit more interesting. I’m hosting a holiday dinner this Sunday so could be fun to talk about the “cast of characters” that will be there and any shenanigans that happen.

Keep chugging along and stay curious!