Extraterrestrial Forensic Portrait Catalogue

A blog documenting my journey in creating a catalogue documenting human experiences with extraterrestrials through illustrations and artistic interpretations.

recent posts

    • Morning Thoughts – A little recap

      Good Morning!

      I took an extended break on posting to make it through the recent holiday and work through a couple of extremely busy weeks. I’ve spent a lot of time de-cluttering and re-organizing my side of the house and I’m not where I want to be just yet but definitely getting there. It’ll be nice to start the new year in a space that feels refreshed so hopefully I’ll get a bunch more done in my limited downtime between work and everyday responsibilities.

      I know the beginning part of the year is going to be a struggle to make it through. With one of my roommates going into an extended hospital stay (approximately a month and a half) I’ll be adjusting my work schedule to 4 days a week, going in early to keep the same amount of hours, in order to watch their toddler the remaining 3 days so their partner can work through this. I’m a little concerned about how I’ll manage my own mental health and finding some down time with such a rigorous schedule but I also typically adjust really well to having an over the top schedule. I’m glad to have a chosen family that I can be there for during tough times like this and I wouldn’t change that even though it’s going to be really hard on everyone.

      On my next day off I want to take some time and actually get some goals written down for the next couple months so that I can have a physical way to catalogue how I’m doing and motivate me to work on some projects that I want to spend time on. I mentioned doing something like that in a previous post and I think I’m at a point where I can actually sit down and think some of it through now that I’ve got a clearer picture of what is expected of me for the next couple months.

      Emotionally I’ve been very up and down over the past few weeks and I know a lot of others that have also been struggling. I can say, I had a lovely winter solstice and Christmas with my household and it was very nice not having the stress of traveling and interacting with extended family. I know that I’m the family weirdo and all but there’s so many times I visit where I come out feeling even more disconnected from them and I’m sure they feel something the same.

      I’ve been really feeling the itch to do some painting these past few days so hopefully I’ll be able to spare some time for that soon. Working on my personal creative outlets needs to be at the top of my beginning of the year goals. It’s definitely going to help having my space organized a bit better. I like having specific places for my supplies where I don’t just have to look at them sitting out and get overwhelmed and I can simply take out what I need in the moment. I typically have two tables set up for working in my living room since that doubles as my studio space but I’ve brought that down to one for the moment. If you are limited on space when creating I can’t say good enough things about cheap folding tables. They’re super light, inexpensive, and can be folded when not in use. I also use them for hosting dinners since I love cooking and we don’t have a designated dining table or a large kitchen island.

      I suppose that’s enough catching up for today. I feel a little better now that I was able to free flow some thoughts and breathe. Maybe I’ll have a more interesting post next time but for now I’m appeased.

      Stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – Mental Health Introspection

      Good Morning!

      It feels like it’s been awhile since I’ve made a post. Life has just been really hectic lately and work is so slow that the financial strain is reflecting more and more on my mood. Everything is getting so expensive and my income is less and less despite efforts to bring in clients and ensure reasonable pricing for my services. Everyone I know is experiencing this right now so it’s no wonder that people aren’t able to invest a lot in getting tattoos or buying artwork.

      I’m in a bumpy point of my bipolar with spontaneous fits of mania followed quickly by crushing depression. It’s coming through in almost flashes with moods shifting throughout the day with unsettling uncertainty. I’ve cried a bunch of times this week and had a few heart racing, can’t breath right, panic attacks. This time of year can just be really hard and I know I’m not alone in that although I don’t feel like I can rely on anyone in my life for much support because they are all going through so much too.

      My family, as many do, are notorious for downplaying my mental health struggles until they come to a severe point such as hospitalization to adjust medication. As someone who had that experience well over a dozen times from early childhood into young adulthood it’s really upsetting when family doesn’t even visit or call and feels to some extent like they are almost “allowing” me to reach it by not offering the support of a sympathetic ear when I’m struggling. It’s similar to their reactions in regards to my eating disorder. It seems like there’s a level of acceptance on their part or maybe they’re uncomfortable with trying to help me work on it. My dad has bipolar as well and my stepmom seems to struggle with depression at times so maybe a lot of it is their own mental overload.

      It’s interesting how freeing it has been blogging because it gives me a space to talk about these things without feeling like a burden on those I care about, Sometimes opening up to people in my life and receiving a less than ideal response is really discouraging because I’m pretty set on doing everything myself and keeping going even when I’m at very low points. It’s very hard for me to reach out for help when I do legitimately need it. I try my best to not rely on anyone other than myself and whenever I have no choice but to ask for help with something I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt and like I owe them significantly more back in exchange for said help.

      My therapist and I both think this is a lot related to past trauma and just the general struggle of trying to be perceived in society as a “normal person,” all the while struggling with fairly severe mental health issues. Aside from giving me an outlet to release all these thoughts, I’m hoping that making the occasional post here about this will maybe even impact just one person so they know that others are around and going through the same stuff. I’m infinitely impressed by all of those that I’ve met with similar experiences that manage to get by in this overly complicated and unsympathetic world.

      I apologize if this comes off as whiny but definitely intended it to be a check in and introspection on where I’m personally at right now. I’ll be doing my best to stay busy and create projects to get through this rough patch so maybe the next post will be a bit more interesting. I’m hosting a holiday dinner this Sunday so could be fun to talk about the “cast of characters” that will be there and any shenanigans that happen.

      Keep chugging along and stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – You Must Be Dreaming

      Good Morning!

      I’ve been thinking a lot about how people dream and how it reflects the situations that you’re living in your everyday life. Last night I had a dream that I was at the shop and my boss and the shop owner were out front to tell us that the shop was shutting down and we were out of a job until the reopened in another location out of the city. Right after the bad news while we were all trying to get some clarity, there were a bunch of pink cars weaving through traffic and some crashes happened and it just devolved into watching the start of the zombie apocalypse. We all ended up leaving and finding refuge together and more things happened but nothing as intense as the first part.

      I’m confident this dream was related to the current stresses in my life of not making enough money to really survive comfortably with any “just in case” cushion, and also some of my coworkers are my roommates and my boss is one of my closest friends. Additionally the state of the world in general. We have a lot of things happening here financially, and for one of my roommates, health wise, that are affecting the stress levels we’re living with. At the end of the dream all of the earlier stresses brought us together in a relatively comfortable living situation despite how awful the outside world was. At least that’s how I like to think about it.

      I’ll be honest I do enjoy some zombie related media but I feel like there are a lot of people who severely lack empathy for fellow humans and use it as an escapism from the complexity of interaction with others. I feel the same about people who spout off that they “love dogs more than people.” It just feels like such a distancing and disconnect from people that I’m sure is a product of the world we grow up in and wanting some type of perceived control such as zombies allow a way to dispose of others without conscience since they aren’t considered human anymore and dogs are literally trained to be obedient to the whims of the owner.

      I guess that dream did have a pretty interesting impact on me this morning.

      Stay curious and keep dreaming!

    • Morning Thoughts – Nothing special

      Good Morning!

      Life has been fairly uninteresting this past week. I did some more work on my car and got a working coolant thermostat installed thanks to my boyfriend. Of course it snowed the day we were initially going to do it so had to postpone to the next day and it was so cold! I’m just thankful he agreed to help with it because being overdue for my inspection and knowing I’ll still have to wait a bit to see if the check engine light comes on has been super stressful. Hopefully after a few days of driving I’ll be able to take it in for the inspection and that’ll be out of the way.

      The next big challenge is we’re getting an exterminator to come deal with a pest problem that’s been ongoing since we moved in. We finally got enough spare money to pay for it but we’ll have to have the cats out of the house for a few hours multiple weeks in a row and that is a big challenge when we don’t have anyone with a space to take them to. In addition we’ll be having to move a bunch of stuff around and it’s the holiday season so just a lot to deal with. I just can’t wait until all of this largely inconvenient and expensive stuff is all taken care of. Unfortunately I know it’s just the way life goes and there will always be another big thing.

      On a better note, I’m pretty excited, today I’ll likely be starting a really cool large floral tattoo for one of my coworkers. It’s always fun tattooing a friend who will let you have pretty full artistic freedom. I drew up the design a few months ago so it’s been on the back burner awhile. The design is a large psychedelic color inspired chrysanthemum with neon light leaves. It’s the kind of tattoo I’d love to focus on more but we don’t have the market in the area for that style. I am thankful that I do have a lot of clients come through for pieces where I can have some artistic freedom but I don’t mind at all that a lot of what I do is just whatever trend is current. It’s fun to see what people are inspired by and learn about how they relate to the tattoos they are getting.

      I suppose that’s about all I’ve got for today. Stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – Back in the Swing of Things

      Good Morning!

      It’s a cold and rainy day here and they had initially forecast some wintry mix but that didn’t happen. Yesterday was my first day back at work after an extended break (Thanksgiving family visit and car repairs) and it was so nice to get back to tattooing although I only tattooed one of my regulars. I know I shouldn’t play favorites but she is absolutely wonderful and has been coming to me for around 8 years so I’d definitely consider her a friend. It’s nice coming back to someone so caring and who gives me a ton of creative freedom.

      My car is still out of commission for awhile until I can finish the coolant system repairs. Fingers crossed we’ll manage to get it done early this coming week. Lucky for me I live with two of my coworkers and we carpool. I’m very thankful for their willingness to help me out during things like this and they are letting me drive their car to take my son to school in the mornings. I’m a fairly hesitant/nervous driver so it’s been interesting driving a car that isn’t mine. I am super proud of myself for not panicking through this whole car situation but I can say the support of my friends and boyfriend is really giving me the reassurance that it will all work out so I’m not reaching that extreme overwhelm I might usually.

      With everything going on lately I haven’t been able to find time to focus on my extraterrestrial forensic portrait project too much. It is the main reason that I created this blog although I’ve found infinite personal value in being able to share a bit of my daily life and get some writing in on a regular basis. Once the new year rolls around I will likely try to begin a more in depth search for those that would like to participate although I will surely continue my personal blog posts so that people can have a glimpse of who is running the project but also some insight into another human’s experience in the world.

      In July of next year I’ll be vending at a cryptid convention; selling paintings and promoting both my tattoos and the EFP project. Hopefully that will spark some interest in what I’m wanting to do with this and it felt like a great spot to get my name out there as a paranormal researcher/artist.

      Although I have a small instagram to share my personal artwork I’m considering sharing some here as well. I do a lot of monster and creepy pieces, but also a lot of atmospheric scenery and abstract repeating patterns that hold some meaning although I may not always know the exact words to express what I’m showing visually. Beginning to write regularly, in addition to therapy, is really helping me bring words to thoughts, emotions, and experiences that I previously couldn’t begin to verbally express but the process of creating visual art will likely always hold more than I have words for.

      I think at some point, closer to the end of the year, I’ll put together some personal and EFP project goals for the coming year. I’ve never really subscribed to the idea of new year’s resolutions but I’ve always enjoyed a list of goals and being able to check things off.

      Stay curious!

    • Afternoon Thoughts – Family vs. Self

      Good Afternoon!

      It’s been a long holiday weekend here and so I’ve held off on posting to allow some of the stress to wash away and process my thoughts. It seems everyone has so much stress this time of year and I am definitely not immune.

      This past week I visited my parents (Dad and Stepmom) and it was nice to see them but overall a difficult visit. Joking criticisms got to me more than I’d like to admit and I’m slightly ashamed that I overreacted to a couple of instances that I might normally have let slide. As I mentioned in my last post, I’ve been severely struggling with an eating disorder and although I’d prefer people not mention the noticeable changes to my physique my parents both took the opportunity to tell me I look great in reference to my extreme uncontrolled weight loss versus recognizing the severe mental health struggles that are surrounding it and how hard I’ve been working to overcome trauma and better my mental state.

      As a woman, I feel like a lot of my value to people is decided by my appearance. I’ve found this to be the case in multiple careers (and everyday situations) and struggle with trying to distinguish myself as valuable based on my skills and achievements versus my physical presentation. (I recently completed my degree and that was not even mentioned by my parents and instead they focused in on the one thing that I am most insecure and struggling with.) I’m sure this is not a specifically gendered experience but I can only speak from my own although I’d love to hear other’s experiences and offer whatever support they may need.

      I was extremely comfortable in my fatter body and had no problem with how I looked other than the way people would speak with and interact with me. At this point, I feel very discouraged about myself as I currently appear. I’m not sure where I’m going with this but I’m going to continue working towards better mental stability and sharing my experiences working through this so that others will know they aren’t alone.

      That was a heavy post and I do have more to say but I think that’s where I’ll stop with it today. I hate to end with no positive notes so know that despite everything I have a lot of hope. I’m thankful for my family and friends and even though we will all have moments that are accidentally hurtful I know that we love each other and that is way more positively overwhelming than misspoken words. If anything, it’s going to help me to work through this more and sharing with others to encourage empathy is very important to me personally.

      Stay curious and lots of love to you all during this most stressful time of the year!

    • Just a few – Morning Thoughts

      Good Morning!

      Today I’m writing from my parent’s home as I went to visit and cook for them for the Thanksgiving holiday. I enjoyed the actual cooking part and like spending time with them but it can be a bit overwhelming.

      Today I’m going to take a little time to get out and do some holiday gift shopping through the local thrift scene while my Dad watches golf. There’s a couple interesting spots out here, particularly a resale center where a lot of different local people sell a variety of cool stuff. Last time I bought myself a vintage floral piggy bank. I used to run a flea market booth with my Mom when I was little and I’d see them there sometimes and always wanted one but never got one back then.

      I’ve been feeling a little lost lately and I’m thinking it might be time for me to work on finding a bit more direction again. Not too long ago I graduated a religious based PhD program. It was a fantastic experience and I was able to do it on my own time and at whatever speed I could make work for myself. I’m thinking I would like to continue taking classes in something else that will help me gear my thinking towards more productive means.

      Although I don’t have the financial means to go to a traditional college (or pay back loans in the future) I may pursue another philosophy degree or take some free courses offered through the larger universities to see if anything sparks a fire with me. If anyone has some suggestions, please let me know! I’m always wanting to learn more and am not particularly inclined to say no to any form of learning.

      Stay curious!

    • A Busy Morning with Even Busier Thoughts

      Busy, busy, busy morning so far! This time of year it feels like there is always so much more to do than the rest and I can never catch up with everything.

      This afternoon I’ll be spending some time replacing the coolant thermostat on my car. It’s an older model and I’m thankful that I can usually do most repair work myself or with some help. It’s a little extra stressful because the inspection is due by the end of the month and I’m just now able to get to the repair. Fingers crossed it will be the final issue that would block a pass on that. Then there’s getting the money together for the vehicle tax but I’ll just have to figure that out after Thanksgiving.

      On that note, I’ll be going to visit my parents and I’m very much looking forward to it. I haven’t seen them in about a year and my Dad had multiple health scares and surgeries this year but is finally feeling better and up for an extended visit. It’ll be worth the financial strain of missing work to go and spend time with them.

      I’m excited to be fully in charge of cooking for them this time around. They both don’t cook very often anymore and I want to treat them to a really nice meal with leftovers that will be good for awhile. I really enjoy cooking and feeding others so take every opportunity to do so. I’ve been a pescatarian for 27 years now (wow, I’m old) but Ive gotten really good at cooking meats for everyone else. I enjoy the process and looking at it from a more scientific viewpoint really helps me to get it right every time.

      I do have multiple eating disorders which can make feeding myself difficult. I had a number of years where they weren’t so overwhelming but in the past year they’ve come back with a vengeance and it’s been a big struggle that I’m slowly working through with the support of my friends and therapist. The biggest struggle at this point is getting enough nutrients from the food that I do eat. I’ve always preferred vegetables (especially fresh) over any other foods so that really doesn’t provide enough proteins and such to sustain me without supplementing in other things.

      As a practically middle-aged woman I really didn’t expect this to hit me so hard and it’s been extremely difficult when others are always complimenting my weight loss and not knowing that it was fully unintentional and detrimental to my physical and mental health. I have always been very confident in my body image at a variety of sizes over the years but with this onset of disordered eating and the outside views of others I’ve become more uncomfortable despite appearing healthy and fitting more-so into what is pushed as more appealing by society. It’s a complicated issue and I’m sure there are so many people out there going through similar struggles.

      It has been a bit difficult for me to find support from others who struggle with these issues as the motivations behind mine are not the standard body image based struggles, but more so exclusively food that I have to intake and the processes that are problematic for me. I want to be very clear that none of these are invalid struggles and we should all be here for each other but it’s hard to not have some comradery from someone with the same views versus just the same diagnosis. I hope that makes sense.

      Anyways, I am still working on this and I like to be very transparent about it so that others know this is something that many people go through and take that into consideration when commenting on physical changes. There’s not only one way of addressing it and there’s not only one source of causation. Your struggles are just as valid as mine!

      Stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – Grief & Remembering

      Good Morning!

      After yesterday’s post I felt pretty good to have talked about someone who I deeply miss and the rest of the day was fantastic. I did some really cool tattoos on some awesome people and I very much enjoyed talking with them and learning about their lives. But, once i went to sleep I ended up having some pretty tough dreams and it made me realize just how much I am still grieving my friend even after a few years.

      This morning I feel like I could use a good cry and some painting time but as a responsible adult I have to get going to work shortly. Thankfully my job is creative and I can learn about someone new today and the life they’re living. I’ll be starting a beautiful large-scale, full color floral piece today so that’s something to look forward to.

      I am sad but happy to have that sadness because it’s based on such a level of connection that I didn’t think I would find in my lifetime. When I have a chance soon I’m definitely going to start a painting to assess my feelings about this. As I’ve grown older I’ve realized my approach to embracing grief has really changed from when I was younger. Now I almost look forward to it because it brings me back to those moments with the people I’ve loved that I won’t be seeing again. There’s some level of stability to it that I think I need to further analyze. I’m not sure exactly how to put it into words at this time.

      There are so many people that I miss and moments that I wish I could experience first-hand (not from memory) again. I’m thankful that I’m able to remember and celebrate those times with them through my artwork.

      Stay curious!

    • Morning Thoughts – Remembering Connection

      Good Morning!

      This morning I’m not having any strong feelings about what to write about so I’ll have to just see where this goes.

      I read a couple of blog posts this morning talking about trying to find connections with others and all the struggles of it even now with pretty constant access to so many people. I think that’s part of why I’m here blogging and sharing some of my thoughts every so often. (And hopefully, eventually finding people who will want to contribute to my larger project.)

      I always have a better time communicating one on one with people in person than any other format. I’ve been really working on myself through therapy and introspection to be able to assert myself in interactions and not feel the need to stifle my opinions and emotions for fear of negative confrontation. I know there are a lot of reasons why I do this, and I’m sure many of you have also experienced it.

      I think as a society we like to say that we don’t care what others think of us but it’s very clear we do if you take a look at the plethora of social media platforms.

      A few years ago, for a couple years, I spent every Monday with a very close friend just living in the moment creating art and enjoying talking about all of the things we were passionate about. It was so nice to have someone to connect with in a non-performative way. We just let ourselves be, and create, and experience in that space. We drank wine, created collaborative artwork, talked about art movements, listened to so much music, and shared our favorite books/movies with each other.

      There wasn’t a fear of judgement and I felt fully comfortable to the point that a disagreement didn’t feel like falling down a well. We were overall welcoming to our differences and I realized connection was more than being an exact reflection of one another. For me, it was experiencing the things that made life meaningful for another person living in this same difficult world. It was knowing that they had the same kinds of strong emotions as I did even if it was about a different type of art or music, etc.

      I think back to them often and hope they’re happy and weird and free.

      Stay curious!